Keys to Living

I apologize for anyone tuning in to get info on how find meaning in their life. This is about the other kind of keys.

My problem is where/how to stash my keys on my person when I'm out and about. I really envy women (and strange guys) who carry a purse and therefore have a receptacle for their keys. Of course, sometimes Carole's keys get lost in her purse, mingling down in there with all the mints, makeup, and tire-changing equipment.

Part of my problem is that I can't stand to have anything in my front pockets. I have peripheral neuropathy in my legs and the slightest bit of strange pressure can send me through the roof. I remember pulling over the school bus one day just to get a quarter from my pocket; the relief was way more than 25 cents worth.

I can almost tolerate one key in my pocket. But if that's a car key, what about the house key and the other vehicle keys? I've dealt with this in the past by merely wearing a small hook over my belt and clipping a ring full of keys onto it. But I think that looks so gauche, so grade-school custodian-ish. You remember him, too, eh? When you're in the 3rd grade, you practically worshipped him because he could open anything. And he knew exactly which of his 143 keys went to what.

Also contributing to the gravity of this situation is the size of today's vehicle keys. My 1971 Cutlass had two flat, short keys...easy to deal with. Today's vehicle keys are Swiss Army knives. Not only can you start your car, you disable a nuclear weapon with them.

So if you're reading this and you're a guy, first of all, get a life. Secondly, tell me how you do your keys...what works for you. I won't leave the house until I get a viable solution.